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It is not well known outside Europe, but the Greater Slobbovian Bridge Federation obtained permission to duplicate the hands being dealt in this contest that day and use them in a side game: the Slobbovian National Championship.

I did not know it either until the arrival of EMTs caught my attention and I (unwisely) wandered over to see what was happening. A heavily be-wiskered man was being wheeled out on a stretcher amidst a bunch of others frantically plying their cell phones. It turned out the afflicted individual was a member of the Lower Slobbovian 6-man team, game time was minutes away, and their third pair had fled as far from the venue as they could during their time off.

I asked what had happened, and was told, “it must have been something he bid.” Or, maybe “ate” — with the cellphones jammed into their beards it was hard to tell. Then another one turned towards me.

“You play bridge, yes?”

“Well, yes. Sort of.”

“Have you ever represented your country in an international match?”

“Nooooo.”

You will do.” At that he turned and bellowed that he was invoking some emergency rule with lots of letters, some of the Roman.

Anyway, that’s how I ended up playing this hand as South.

The bidding was a disaster. It started innocently enough, I thought, when partner (North) first passed, and I had an easy double of the Upper Slobbovian East’s one heart call. North’s double of West’s raise scared the crap out of me. You see, we’d had only a few moments to discuss bidding. “Just make correct bids!” was most of our dialogue. Nearly all the rest was: “Take out my takeout doubles, yes, but never ever EVER take out my penalty ones.”

He had said nothing about responsive doubles! So, which double was this?

In a frightened funk, I passed, and two hearts doubled became the final contract.

What to lead? I chose a diamond as the least likely to cause a cataclysm. Board played a higher card, partner played a still higher card, and declarer won with the ace.

After muttering for a few moments in Slobbovian (Upper or Lower?), East advanced the JC. I knew I should not cover, but I was terrified of being snookered with a Jx of clubs (remember, I “knew” North could not have four spades, meaning East had 9 or 10 major suit cards). So, I covered, and the trick went J-Q-K-A.

I felt things were improving then, especially when pard produced a small heart. I won the QH. Now what? Still thinking East had lots of loser spades to ruff, I cashed the AH and led a diamond to tap declarer who stubbornly refused to be tapped by following suit when pard produced a card high enough to beat the one played from the Board!

At this point, pard led the JH, declarer won the KH and moments later we were +500. Since game failed in the other room (the Slobbovian who could make it has yet to be born!), I was able to escape unharmed out into the corridor while the others screamed what I presumed were curses at each other in one Slobbivian or another, or maybe both.

Hi Jim2,

Since bridge news travels faster than the speed of light, I had heard of a substitute being chosen in the Slobbovian championship, the winner of which was to represent their beautiful country in the upcoming Bridge World Team Olympiad (WTO) and he had met with great success by merely doing what was in front of his nose, instead of blindly paying attention to his partner’s intentions.

His well considered judgment told him that partner would not hold 4 of the other major and then opt to make a responsive double when the TO doubler was usually also long in that particular suit so he boldly converted his partner’s double into strictly business.

After securing +500, the result he was entitled to, his partnership continued on and easily won the tournament and qualified for the WTO. By the demand of the higher ranking officials of Lower Slobbivia (LS) he was sentenced to remain on the team for the world tournament and because of his presence the odds jumped from 4 million to 1 against their team winning to only 3 1/2 million to 1, an amazing drop which became the talk of the gambling bridge bookmakers world. But because of reasons unknown, those same bookmakers have yet to have some knowledgeable bettor place any action on those new odds.

However, the odds dropping on the prospect of LS winning the WTO were still slightly more than LS’s most famous world person, Lena the Hyena, winning the LS most beautiful female award during their upcoming national beauty contest, but by only a slight adjustment of 3.4 million to 1, perhaps enhanced by the rumor of Lena having been seen searching for various cosmetics.

The only negative arising from the winning team’s remarkable win was that a rumor (verified by the LS secret bridge police) started that the cell phones were ringing every few seconds from where the championship (playing those same hands) was being held probably though only checking on the health of thousands of relatives and friends from the site of the other championship. Since some of the lesser known players finished very high in the other championship, some suspicion has arisen as to the propriety of using duplicated hands, however far away while a major championship was going on playing the same hands.

Although the evidence of possible wrongdoing seemed to mount, the powers that be, merely decided that those suspicions were paranoid and that nothing that sinister could possibly have happened.

Thanks for your interesting tale in what the late and great Paul Harvey (if he had lived) would have undeniably related as “The rest of the story”.

🙂 🙂 🙂

The dress code made it even more challenging, especially the itchy false beard.

(Thank you for taking it in the spirit that it was offered)

Hi Jim2,

Your spoof, although a fantasy, is a constant reminder what Zia has always preached, “Bridge is the master and the players must only play along and accept their results.” While amusing, the frowned upon converting a take-out double to penalties for no good reason (not trumps stacked), has nothing to recommend it in any bridge book even those written by lower Slobbovian bridge writers.

Still, the result of +500 would stack up nicely in any IMP contest. We cannot always predict what may happen and although the very best players around try and follow what they think are the percentage actions, dame fortune will always have the last say (laugh).

Thanks again for reminding us.